Nothing says Merry Christmas like a good date rape song on the radio every five minutes, so hold on to your kerchief and snuggle close, this one is going to be bumpy:

Have you ever stopped to listen to the words in “Baby, Its Cold Outside?” I have to admit, I hadn’t. I blame it on Zooey Deschanel. She sings this song on the Elf Soundtrackand I just love it. I love the other versions too, but this one to me seems the best. The trouble with listening to something over and over is that at some point you actually try to understand what they are saying. When I did so I was shocked! I started looking at B to see if it was just me and she was coming to the same realization I was. Now maybe it was my incredibly great sounding Sonos system or the Scotch, but too many of thelyricsjumped out at me. For example,

I really can’t stay – Baby it’s cold outside > I’ve got to go away – Baby it’s cold outside >

She said “can’t”. She said she has to go. What are you doing dude? We all know which jingle bells your thinking with, that’s why you can’t come up with any better argument at her second objection.

This evening has been – Been hoping that you’d drop in > So very nice – I’ll hold your hands, they’re just like ice

Why are her hands cold? Hasn’t she been inside with you up till now? Where has she been in some meat locker in the back?

My mother will start to worry – Beautiful, what’s your hurry > My father will be pacing the floor – Listen to the fireplace roar

Uh oh, he used “Beautiful.” Psychologists the world over are cringing as the pursuer tries to implant suggestions of beauty while secretly also making a play for domination over the subject. Never mind that she clearly is nervous now, since he is physically holding her back (“your hand are ice”) and she felt compelled to pose a threat of bringing a 3rd party into it like her Father and her Mother. This dud must not have grown up with the Shotgun-toting, Boyfriend-hunting Dad’s of the South.

So really I’d better scurry – Beautiful, please don’t hurry > Well maybe just a half a drink more – Put some music on while I pour

“Put some music on” – Again with the demonstrative statement. No “please”, no “could you,” but a commanding tone for the second time.

The neighbors might think – Baby, it’s bad out there > Say, what’s in this drink – No cabs to be had out there

The definitive line. Now we know he did something. What’s in this drink? What’s in this drink? Didn’t your mother teach you to pour your own drinks? Your gazing at the records and he’s slipping you roofies.

I wish I knew how – Your eyes are like starlight > To break the spell – I’ll take your hat, your hair looks swell

So, we have glazed over eyes now thanks to the roofie, She is showing physical signs of duress while she seems to be under a spell and he has moved in close enough to mess with her hair and is beginning states of undress.

I ought to say no, no, no, sir – Mind if I move closer > At least I’m gonna say that I tried – What’s the sense in hurting my pride?

Saying she tried is admissible in a court of law. No, means no mister. Skipping a few more oohs and aahs and we get…

I simply must go – Baby, it’s cold outside > The answer is no – Ooh darling, it’s cold outside > This welcome has been – I’m lucky that you dropped in > So nice and warm – Look out the window at that storm

…more no’s, more requests to leave, while he distracts her from his actions with the scenery outside. Those neighbors should be calling the police.

Now, I’m sorry that I have ruined this song and your Christmas enjoyment of it for all eternity, but you are starting to get my point. The melody is lovely, but the meaning is deadly.

Now that your eyes are open and your mind is revved up, I leave you with a few remaining choice phrases. I’m off to breakdown Jingle Bells.

Man, your lips look delicious > Gosh your lips are delicious > Well maybe just a half a drink more > It’s up to your knees out there > I thrill when you touch my hand > But don’t you see – How can you do this thing to me? > Think of my life long sorrow > At least there will be plenty implied – If you caught pneumonia and died > Make it worth your while baby > Ahh, do that again….